The Doctor-in-Chief Makes His Pitch – Obama Speech Play by Play

7:02 Central Daylight Time – The President of the United States strides up to the podium. His tie reminds me of a hearty wild berry pie… framed around someone’s neck. And look at the lighting mechanisms to either side of him! It’s like an angelic corona.

The beginning announcement – The President has pulled our economy back from the brink! From the brink of 8% unemployment to the brink of 10% employment! This man went to Harvard!

7:03 – Aha – he just explained what he meant by improving the economy. We have taken funds from people who have been too successful. How dare those buzzards.

7:04 – His eyes look very moist. I wonder if Joe Biden said something emotionally taxing.

7:06 – “I’ve also pledged that health insurance reform will not add to our deficit.”

*chortling*

It’s George Bush’s fault that there are uninsured Americans! That blasted Texan!

7:08 – Health care must be reformed because the postal service continues to deliver President Obama mail from people who do not have sufficient health care. The letters seem to be the driving force here. Slightly ironic though because the postal services recent financial difficulties seem to underscore how well the government fares running businesses (AmTrack  anyone?!) and this whole brouhaha is over the President’s desire to create a government run health care system. The irony is delicious. Like berry pie.

The teleprompter must be acting up. His eyes don’t appear to be comfortably scanning the machine’s face. They look flighty and somewhat anxious. Like some kind of deer creature.

7:10 – The opening speech is now closed. Time for pre-selected questioners that will be allowed to ask questions that Obama appears to know are coming. How challenging this must be for him.

7:16 – It appears that if we don’t do something we will be reduced to a stone age era civilization bartering with salt blocks.

“We’ve just become so cynical about what GOVERNMENT can accomplish.” My friends – there’s your Obama ideology in nine words. The government is the mechanism that accomplishes things in Obama world.

7:18 – One of the media members just asked why the President is so rushed to get the bill done. He looked pensive for a moment. Then said it was because of the letters again. Apparently several families are hounding him. He’s so sensitive!

Additionally, “The stars are aligned” to pass health care. For additional horoscopes see the While House gift shop.

7:20 – “I will not sign a bill that adds to the deficit.” Hahahahahahaha…

Obama’s measure of whether things work or not isn’t the people… no wait… it’s the… experts? He seems to have settled on self improvement. Things are working when people are becoming better people. *cue Chariots of fire theme song*

7:22 – This man likes deadlines. He could have been a great newspaperman. Can you imagine how awesome it would have been had he tweaked his career path slightly. We might still have several trillion more dollars not owed to various Chinese folks! Ahhh well… the stars must have been aligned.

Facial hair aficionado from MSNBC gets to ask a question. Hmmmm. At least it isn’t Keith Olbermann. That man is an inestimable trove of hate. I’m surprised he has room for riboflavin.

Obama – “I want to cover everbody”. The president is like our father really. Or a really large and puffy mass of cotton candy… sort of a befitting metaphor for liberalism really. All sweet nothingness that has an astonishing lack of substance and can eventually rot your teeth right out.

Wait, who’s getting hit by a bus?

He just made a sound utilizing only the word ‘ah’ in succession that ended up sounding like a small motorbike idling.

7:24 – HIDDEN COSTS! Obama intends to save people from foot amputation AND hidden costs by helping them eat better! In the words of John Candy in the immortal film Rookie of the Year, “This kid can do it all!”

“You haven’t seen me out there blaming the Republicans”… actually that’s how you’ve gotten elected to both the senate and White House. And precisely what you’ve spent much of this speech doing.

7:28 – Somebody just suggested that there may have to be sacrifices to get all of this wonder. Everyone seemed somewhat stupefied by that possibility. Obama recovered and seems to be indicating that the only things people would be giving up would be waste, uselessness, and… being in bondage to their own stupid choices. He’s hypothesizing, “If there’s a blue pill and a red pill”… “And the red pill is half off”… and both of these pills do the same thing… What?! Is this an erectile dysfunction issue?!

The point is that the government will help us to become more discriminating with our decisions and save us from our own stupidity. This is all so wonderful. I feel so safe.

7:31 – The American people are queasy. THAT’s why they need health care reform! An end to queasiness!

He’s reminding us that he’s spending trillions of dollars. He realizes some people might be concerned. But wait… refutation on the way.

It’s all George Bush’s fault! Because of Bush, it was necessary to immediately spend trillions to replace the trillions we had lost. Try to figure that out on a calculator.

7:33 – Good news – Obama wants us to know that he spent 2 trillions dollars less that he could have! YES!  Thank you, sir!!!

7:37 – Medicare speak. This is about as compelling as being served fried shoelaces.

7:39 – This Obama character really adores the postal service! He just responded to a somewhat irritable woman from CSPAN by reminding her he’s sent someone a letter. If he had gone the newspaper career route like we discussed earlier he would have been free to exchange mailings all day without also enacting leftist policies that had wide ranging destructive affects on a whole nation. Oh well – missed it by that much.

7:43 – If we don’t pass health care reform we will die. And without regulatory bank reform we will all be stricken with hives and boils.

*President making hand signals to indicate the size and scope of government rules*

The government will become a backstop. Then there was a card game metaphor. This is like ESPN.

7:46 – A guy from Cleveland just asked if Obama would be using the government plan he wants to create. The President errupted in flury of verbage that doesn’t seem to apply to that… I think we can safely guess he won’t be enrolling.

Ahhh, now he’s decrying business making excessive profits. He wonders, “What’s the constraint on that?” Karl Marx is that you?!

7:49 – There are apparently doctor’s going around looking for tonsils to pull out of unsuspecting people’s throats. Obama will put a stop to that. He is so wise.

7:52 – Apparently there was a guy that just snuck into the line of pre-ordered questioners and pilfered a question! MAN! That would have been like… a news conference… instead of a dramatic pre-scripted production or something! Holy Hannah!

7:53 – A Harvard professor was arrested for breaking into his own house apparently. The abilities of Harvard folks have been highlighted well here tonight.

7:56 – And he departs… back beyond the glowing orbs of light… which I’m certain are environmentally friendly and whose proceeds were undoubtedly donated to someone who was downtrodden or disenfranchised by a capitalist.

We may sleep peacefully tonight, America – our health ensured, our cares sprouting wings and taking flight – never to return. And it’s all free. Long live hope and change.