Teen Spirit Smells Like Mullet Children & Vampires

With our country at a financial and medical crossroads, what better barometer than an award show that features surfboards as prizes? With that in mind, I sat down with chicken, rice and a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper to document the goings-on of America’s future at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards.

Jonas Brothers Concert7:00 PM – TCA Hosts Jonas Brothers “interview” President Barack Obama at a press conference. The producers are using Obama to open a show pointed toward teens. But don’t worry, he’s not a celebrity.

7:01 – The announcer boasts TCA as the “hottest party of the summer.” Well, we knew it wasn’t the GOP.

7:03 – A Youtube sensation named Fred is introduced. I didn’t think you could do the one-name moniker unless you’re a Brazilian soccer star.

7:04 – JoBros open the festivities by performing their latest song – not cool. Imagine if Steve Martin started the Oscars by showing The Jerk. Wait, on second thought, I would watch that.

George Lopez HBO7:05 – The surfboard at the edge of the stage, looks just like a … surfboard.

7:07 – George Lopez is the first presenter of the evening. Big month for the Hispanic community: Sonia Sotomayor is sworn in to the Supreme Court last week, and now this.

7:10 – Award winner Chace Crawford just said, “Teens drive pop culture.” God help us.

7:12 – Twelve minutes in, and I don’t recognize anyone on the stage. I feel old.

7:14- First homosexual winner of the night: Ellen DeGeneres takes home the award for choice twit. Right now, her hair is shorter than American life expectancy when Obama’s health care takes over.

7:19 – This Fred dude is annoying.

7:22 – Zac Efron wins for best actor in a comedy, for the film, 17 Again, which reminded the American public that switching bodies with Matthew Perry will always make you look fat.

7:22 – It’s going to be a sad day a decade from now when police officers stumble across a homeless shelter made of TCA surfboards and discover Efron inside.

Bill Gaither7:26 – Sean Kingston performing club banger “Fire burning.” I would sacrifice one of my appendages to see Sean Kingston and Bill Gaither collaborate on a remix of “He touched me.”

7:35 – The JoBros are taking dares throughout the program, and the first one just got out of hand. Joe Jonas has to get all of his hair cut off; Mike Tyson has clippers on stage! MIKE TYSON IS CUTTING JONAS’ HAIR. THIS CAN’T BE LEGAL. TYSON CAN’T EVEN BOX IN MOST STATES.

7:39 – Something called Twilight wins for something or zzzzz…. fighting the urge to make a biting remark (vampire pun #1).

7:42 – There’s a non-JoBros Jonas on stage accepting the award for breakout star. At the TCA, is best breakout something you really want to win?

7:49 – If talking in a sped-up voice constitutes comedy, Fred is well on his way to becoming the next Carrot Top.

7:50 – Joe’s hair is magically back. I feel we as a nation will hear about this controversy in the blogs for weeks to come.

7:51 – My Sister’s Keeper, starring the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, wins for best movie of the summer. It’s the TNIV version of Cain and Abel.

7:53 – For her performance of “Party in the USA,” Miley Cyrus emerges from a trailer. I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor or just a daily occurrence.

Miley Cyrus Teen Choice Awards7:55 – Miley thanks “God her father” for putting her on the stage tonight. Sometimes being a Calvinist and believing God preordained every act is difficult. This is one of those times.

8:03 – Selena Gomez just took home another surfboard. What a night for Latin America.

8:07 – Megan Fox and Robert Pattinson win for Choice Hotties. Just to be clear, America: evidently, looking constipated is hot to today’s youth.

8:16 – Black Eyed Peas play their current hit “I’ve Got a Feeling.” My feeling: Fergie might be a man.

8:18 – Hugh Jackman claps and sings along to “I’ve Got a Feeling.” This isn’t just the highlight of the night, it might be the greatest moment of all time involving a multiracial pop group and an Australian movie star at an award show. Maybe.

8:30 – Dare the Jonas Bros. part III. Nick Jonas has to hug as many teenagers as he can. Or, as the Catholics call it, seminary!

8:34 – Cyrus introduces Britney Spears for the Ultimate Choice Award. It’s like in Back To the Future, when future Marty McFly runs into current-day Marty McFly. Except sluttier.

8:41- Fred should be punched in the face.

8:44 – Someone named Miss J (a man, I think) just thanked every gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual teenager. “I will share it with you,” said J. Not sure what it is.

Kristen Stewart8:48 – Twilight just won for best drama. If the Republicans ran Twilight against Obama in 2012, it would be a bloodbath (vampire pun #2).

8:48 – There’s more: what do vampires and Obama have in common? They both suck.

8:48 – (Not in the same way, though. I don’t think Obama sucks blood. Just taxpayer’s dollars.)

8:56 – JoBros end the show the same way they started it: with a self-serving song. There, in a nutshell, is teen America today. It begins and ends with the Jonas Brothers.

So, to recap, Miley, JoBros and Twilight are the pacemakers of youth culture in 2009. Like the teen idol Beatles before them, they are voicing the ideals of their generation. But unlike the message of the Beatles, it isn’t peace or love or even equality they’re after – it’s image and commercialism.

Regardless of what they’re after, I wish they’d get off my lawn. I’m trying to watch Andy Rooney.

David Gregory – GooseRadio

2 thoughts on “Teen Spirit Smells Like Mullet Children & Vampires”

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