Obama as William Wallace: ‘Follow Me to Medical Freedom!’

It’s 7 bells after the noontide apex of the shining orb which lights our world (Central). Welcome to an evening of oratory with President Obama on Capitol Hill! Come, and let us together sit down and learn how we shall be healed of our goiters and our greed.

7:03 – The Cabinet’s headed into the chamber. Hillary Clinton! Remember when she was going to be president? Man.

7:04 – Watching on Fox like the right winger I am… Brit Hume has a similar voice to that which I imagine God might use if he wanted to comment on politics.

7:12 – President introduced by sergeant at arms and assorted other dudes.

The President is flanked by Dingy Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell. That is one sour looking man!

Obama just passed Shela Jackson Lee. She looks like she mugged Joseph (from the Old Testament) and nabbed his coat of many colors.

There’s Hillary again. This whole… derailed by the health care thing must feel eerily familiar to Senator (and former 1st lady[and former Rodham, what happened to that?!]) Clinton.

7:14 – Michelle Obama is getting a lot of air time so far as she is clapping with typical class. I wonder if the Queen likes the IPod she bestowed upon her?

*applause & applause*

*President makes it to podium. How would you like to arrive somewhere and stare upwards into the grinning face of Nancy Pelosi?! Eeeee…*

7:15 – Pelosi just made clear the President was here… after the sergeant guy had previously done so. A nod to the ADD crowd that could be aided by the health care plan I suppose.

7:17 – John Kerry sighting! Millions of people wanted him to be President! And we wonder why we get consistently creamed by other countries in math tests and the like?!

7:18 – Obama: I have saved the economy from George Bush. It’s still not good. But I will keep spending to fix things.

7:19 – Obama: I’m building the future.

7:22 – *Teleprompter troubles!* He’s speeding up and slowing down on certain words! Bankruuuuptcy.

7:23 – One of the lawmakers is waving his hand in the air like he’s at a revival meeting…

Did you know you’re already paying a HIDDEN TAX?! Obama seems to want to bring it out of hiding and place it before our faces and bank accounts like the… tax it is.

7:24 – “These are the facts. Nobody disputes them.”

7:26 – He’s setting up straw man arguments like they were little furnishings from IKEA! He first distanced himself from those to his political left (Paging Havana, Fidel it’s for you…) by throwing Canada’s health care under the rhetorical bus. But then He said Conservatives want to take away employer insurance programs and make everyone purchase their own plans! That just isn’t even true!

President Obama! I learned in English grammar class that ‘straw man’ arguments were logical fallacies! Didn’t you go to Harvard?!

7:27 – ‘I am not a partisan. Republicans are creating a ‘blizzard’ of falsehoods!’ Brrr…

7:28 – Aha. He’s announcing his own plan now… I’m assuming that means his own bill. What about Max Baucus and the gang of 6? No gangs now?! President Obama’s not in Chicago anymore.

7:31 – Yikes! This is creepy. He’s detailing all the new regulations he’ll be imposing on the private insurers and presenting it as though he were freeing the serfs in 12th century Russia. This man is so wise. And so… I guess ‘leftist’ would be the word.

7:32 – If you fail as a human being, the government will save you.

7:33 – Teleprompter glitch #2!

7:34 – Senator John McCain gets a plug from Obama. Obama really does owe McCain quite a bit when you think about it…

Congressman Eric Cantor looks like a science professor.

7:35 – We will insure you like you insure your car. Yes!

It’s Orin Hatch! The original ‘stormin mormon!’ The man is an empire.

7:37 – Congress just chortled at him when he said ‘some significant details need to be ironed out’!

SARAH PALIN REFERENCE! Obama is decidedly peeved over her ‘death panels’ claim!

Oh man. They’re trying to set Palin up as the voice of our party. Oh man, oh man, oh man…

WOW! Someone in the chamber just shouted at Obama, ‘THAT’S A LIE!’

7:38 “No federal dollars will be used to fund abortions!” That’s good! I hope that’s true!

‘This is not a government takeover of the health care system’… well I KNOW that’s not true…

7:40 – More teleprompter issues. “Iiiiinsurance”

“I’m not interested in putting insurers out of business. I just want to hold them accountable.” Just like a big brother of sorts… Ohhhhh!

He’s sticking with his support for the public option! It’s like he’s a liberal or something?!

7:44 – Now he’s backing away from the public option. This is like watching John Kerry debate. With himself.

There are people holding up sheets of paper at the President! Is that the bill?! This is like British parliament! The revolution has come full circle! I wish George III was hear to see this.

I think he just had another change of heart with the public option now?! What is going on?!!!

7:46 – “I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficit now and in the future. I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficit now and in the future. Period.” I’m sorry, but that just makes me smile and laugh! The writers on “The Office” couldn’t have done better…

IT’S ALL GEORGE BUSH’s FAULT! Awesome! He’d gone over 20 minutes blaming that slacker for some national calamity! Consistency.

7:49 – Wow, look! There are two huge golden snakes perched behind Obama. I wonder if they are sick snakes? If they are, they must be very happy to hear that the President intends to cure & cover them.

7:50 – He just doesn’t get who he’s talking to at all. He’s speaking from the political left to the political left. Wait, is he a liberal?

He is going to pay for this plan using… magic! AND EXPERTS think it will work! I’m totally ok with this now!

7:52 – Joe Biden thinks medical malpractice is funny!

Ahhhh! Obama intends to throw the Republicans a bone with medical malpractice regulations. He said he’s going to have Kathleen Sebelius take care of this “today”. Nice.

7:54 – Rich people don’t need any more money.

Iraq was a mistake.

Nancy Pelosi is creepy!

“Most of this will be paid for with money that’s already being spent.” That’s a profound sentence!

‘I will listen to you if you are serious. I will not listen to you if you disagree with me.’

7:55 – IF WE DO NOT PASS THIS PLAN AMERICANS WILL DIE!

7:56 – And now we shall have the Ted Kennedy emotions conjured up for our political uses. Classy, classy classy. Although, to be fair – Kennedy probably would have wanted exactly that.

7:58 – Ted Kennedy was not an ideologue. HahahaHohohoho…

Liberalism sounds so beautiful! If only it worked, eh.

8:00 – *Now, history time with Barack!*

He’s only mentioning events that happened during Democratic presidents. What is this, public school?

8:01 – Obama: I AM A VICTIM!

*Here it is, the energy is building to a crescendo!*

‘Don’t be afraid!*

*A dude in the crowd is hooting and hollering like he’s coming to know Jesus*

‘Follow me! FOLLOW ME TO FREEDOM!’

8:03 – *And It’s over*

I need some Prozac. Will that cheer me up? What does Prozac even do?! Who cares. I’m sure it will be covered.