The Great State Debate

Cold, harsh winters, agricultural summers, and overalls. Lots of overalls.

The midwestern portion of the United States of America is known from sea to sea as a unit, “Middle America” to the coastal extremists. In both good and bad instances, the “Heartland” is seemingly conjoined to much of the populace. It is a singular identity. That ends now.

Goose Radio is sweeping the leg of the communistic idea of “Midwest.” Some states are not worthy of that title; we don’t want to be associated with them. And one is grander than the rest – a champion to be crowned by this forum of divided minds: Goose Nissley, currently residing in South Dakota, Alex Whitworth, making his bones in Minnesota, and David Gregory, holding down the border in North Dakota.

Each will put forth the case for his respective state. Disagreements will abound and friendships will be tested. But, at the end of this dark road, one state will rise.

And everyone will still agree that Iowa sucks…

ALEX WHITWORTH, MN – Well, let’s see, Minnesota has the ability to take an unfunny comedian and transform him into an unfunny politician. We also have the ability to take a professional wrestler and turn him into a professional civil servant. That is the tranforming power of The Land of 10,000 Lakes. Also, it’s the land of 10,000 lakes (at least according to my license plates).

RYAN ‘GOOSE’ NISSLEY, SD – And I’m glad we’re talking about this. It’s clear that South Dakota is one of the most chronically overlooked places on earth. The beaches of Rio? Some metal, tall thing in Paris? A clock in London? Foo. This state has an entire palace made out of corn. An entire palace!!! Just think about that. You could dwell – palatially – in a structure that was created from something that grew out of the beautiful black sod of God’s country. And if you got hungry, you could chew on the walls.

Even more importantly – Phil Jackson was born in North Dakota unless I’m mistaken? He’s kind of a weirdo. Minnesota is rife with mosquitoes. They will just capture your blood in their little… teeth? Do mosquitoes have teeth?

WHITWORTH – A corn castle, how…quaint.

And congrats on producing Phil Jackson, South Dakota always seemed very zen…

And speaking of sports, all of your teams…oh wait, that’s right, you don’t have pro sports in the great SD.

As for MN…Twins, Vikings, Timberwolves, Wild and I guess I’ll include the Lynx. I know, I didn’t know what the WNBA was either.

DAVID GREGORY, ND – Three words: largest American cow. Heard of it? It’s in North Dakota. You know what comes from cows? Milk, which produces cheese and ice cream, which produces the strapping American work force. The kind of people who fight for country and faith, the kind of people who hold up all elements of the Constitution in their original form: these are the product flowing from North Dakota’s teet.

And what of our neighbor to the south? They claim the Badlands as a chief geographical factor. I’m sorry, but if “bad” is right in the title (a la Michael Jackson albums), trouble awaits. Also, I refuse to acknowledge Mount Rushmore as anything but an incomplete art project until someone puts Ronald Reagan up there.

Are you against abortion? Well, Planned Parenthood is supported by the state of Minnesota. Think about that for a while.

Are my hypothetical questions done? Um, yes.

WHITWORTH – Oh great, North Dakota produces milk which goes into ice cream. Probably the new gay ice cream being produced by Ben and Jerry’s. Not family friendly.

Then again, they’re based out of Vermont because any business knows they can’t build an empire in the middle of nowhere, and that’s why so many businesses have set up headquarters right here in Minnesota.

Just to name a few: Best Buy, Cub Foods, Target, 3M, Caribou Coffee, General Mills…phew, being awesome is exhausting…your move, South Dakota.

NISSLEY – Alex, the only thing that Minnesota has in greater supply than large companies is liberal folks. There are hordes of them! Minnesota gave the rest of the nation the gift of Walter Mondale – topical because David mentioned Ronaldus Magnus (Reagan) who, in turn, gave Mondale an 18 point electoral drubbing. Therefore, Ronald Reagan himself didn’t think much of Minnesota. And, I think we can agree, neither should we.

Now to the cow at hand – David. Moo. While the sheer magnitude of your heifer is impressive, that is tragically where the grandeur meets its end. Once one passes said creature heading across the state on interstate 94, he / she is in for one of the dullest, dreariest, coma-inducing treks imaginable. North Dakota bears the great burden of having, as its one redemptive factor, a massive bovine.

Now you can’t tell me that wasn’t convincing?!

WHITWORTH – Indeed, Minnesota has it’s fair share of liberals, this is evidenced by the staggering amount of Obama, Franken and Coexist bumper stickers you see around town. However, Minnesota is also home to Republican nominee in waiting, Tim Pawlenty. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

GREGORY – Both of you are missing the point: oil. That’s what powers AMERICA. We drive our cars with it (liberal media editor: and our wars!) and it’s splashing up all over North Dakota. So, to combat your point Goose, there’s no such thing as a boring, rich person. Wealth is inherently interesting, and the Peace Garden State has a new source for it.

Not only is NoDak moving forward, it also has a strong link to the greatness of America’s past. Roger Maris, the non-steroid home run king, was born in Fargo. You can still see an exhibit of his memorabilia in the West Acres Mall; Sammy Sosa’s is currently on display in a Dominican drug store. North Dakota is Middle America in the midst of its glory, and a hint of its return as well.

As for South Dakota, it’s their fault we flooded last spring. The north-flowing Red River collected all of its crap and then sent it our way. Much like a Tom Daschle tax return, the state is devoid.

Minnesota was the first state to put liberalism on a stick. People ate it up at the fair, and now Al Franken is a senator. Alex, for any positive point you can put forth, the fact that your state elected one of the worst writers in the history of Saturday Night Live drowns you out.

NISSLEY – It is clear to me after repeatedly offering unassailable points only to have them met with silly No-Dak & Minnesotan rhetoric. Both of you, like Pharaoh in the days of Moses – have hardened your hearts and filled your ears with sweet nothingness. But I’m not mad. I’m sad – for you two. You still have to dwell in your states. I, meanwhile, will continue residing in the luxury and brilliance of the greatest state in the union. The indomitable, the fair, the fertile and verdant paradise that is South Dakota! Amen.

And so it ends, with the proprietor of this website declaring South Dakota the victor, and the fallen two interrupting his victory speech with chants of “You lie.” And “Iowa sucks.”