WASHINGTON DC, AF — This morning, in one of the most stunning reversals in American political history, President Barack Obama declared he has switched his political allegiance from the Democratic Party to the Republican Party, effective at noon tomorrow.
In a startling press conference in the Rose Garden early today, Obama stepped to the podium, smiling widely, and detailed the background to his history-making decision. He was joined on the dais by his pet Portuguese Water Dog & a familiar looking man in a dark suit, slightly reminiscent of that guy in the photo that comes inside a new picture frame. The transcript from his address is re-produced below in its entirety:
The President —
Thank you all for coming today on such short notice.
Let me start at the beginning. I was talking with Bo last night… well I was more talking to him as opposed to with him… as he is in fact a dog and therefore not capable of… but I digress.
I was climbing the staircase to the family residence after a long day of briefings & meetings in the Oval Office. I’d actually just finished a phone call with Matt Damon. I’d seen him really deal effectively with tough characters in those ‘Bourne’ stories, and I wanted to gauge whether he had any advice on dealing with Putin.
He wasn’t very helpful actually. Apparently the whole Jason Bourne thing was staged.
Anyway — Bo here gets a real kick out of chasing things. And so I’ve started to throw whatever’s in my pocket across the room for him to fetch a couple times a day, and this guy just goes crazy.
But all I had in my pants’ pocket at the moment was a couple twenties. I’m thinking it’s probably not great for a President to be throwing around something with a former President’s face on it… but let’s be honest I’ve been throwing around George W Bush like he’s been going out of style for about 10 years now so who cares really.
So I roll up the bills and toss them back down the stairs. Bo goes tearing back down after them. And then… all of a sudden… everything stops.
I look down at these grand marble stairs, and I’m suddenly transfixed. It hits me. Somebody built that.
I mean… the government didn’t make that happen. Not actually. It didn’t just pass a law and stairs appeared. A group of humans were paid to place those there.
But I shook it off and scoffed at my silliness. The government of course paid those people to do that work. The government is – after all – the only entity with the resources to make things happen when people need things to happen.
In my pensive state I’d nearly forgotten Bo. He lets out a little bark and ambles back up the stairs towards me.
But as I gaze down at that dog’s mug I glimpse the photo adorning the wall behind him – it’s old Ronald Reagan. Now that guy was an actor like Damon & Clooney. These are people you can trust when it comes to public policy. And he said that the true strength of America comes from its people, not its government, and that when you give tax dollars back to them good things are going to happen with the economy.
This fluffy pooch had made his way back to me now on the landing at the top of the stairs.
I absentmindedly reached for my twenty dollar bills, but you know what? Bo ate the money. I mean it. He just scarfed it down. And then it became completely clear.
Sometimes when you waste money, you never get it back again.
My word. You should not waste money!
I started to really wonder what was happening here. What was at work in these halls full of history.
I stare down into this dog’s face & all of a sudden as clear as day a soundtrack starts in my head. I’m hearing Kansas with ‘Dust in the Wind’.
It hits me that dust pollution is going to happen man. I’m not going to stop it – or cows and the methane production business – with some influx of government funds. Nothing lasts forever… O my word. O my word we’re wasting so much money…
I had to talk with someone. But who would understand what I was going through? Biden?!!!
I tore up the staircase and grabbed the nearest phone I could find.
In my bewildered excitement I smack myself in the head with the phone cradle. It hurt a bit, but it was nothing serious.
But what if it had been? I ask you seriously! What if I needed medical care? Would the Obamacare website have worked to find me a plan, so I could go to the doctor to fix my face in time?! NO!
I can’t stop the smile from leaping to my face even as I tell you that when the White House operator asked me if I seriously just asked her to get Mitt Romney on the line, I told her that I was only 47 percent serious!
And I told this man, Willard Mitt Romney, then what I’m telling you proudly today, on this beautiful morning of April the 1st 2014…
I. Barack Obama. Am a Republican.
It’s always been in there somewhere, just waiting to be realized. Waiting for the chance to be discovered. And it is as clear to me today as anything has ever been.
So for now, good night… actually its morning… morning in America really… and may God bless the United States of America.
The White House press secretary Jay Carney staggered to the podium at the conclusion of this address and, through sporadic sobs of apparent grief, indicated further questions could be directed to the office of the newly installed Vice President, Mitt Romney.
We’ve received further, somewhat conflicting reports of a white haired, elderly man with apparent hair plugs wildly running down Pennsylvania Avenue avenue and yelling what some interpreted as ‘Don’t you know who I am?’
original photo via timeinc.net