America’s favorite sociopath is leading the GOP Presidential polls.
A brain surgeon is in second, and Jeb Bush is mired in single digits.
As the calendar turns to October, there are rumors once more of Republican poobahs pining for Plan B. Despite repeated dismissals by the man himself – and his wife – the embers of a Mitt Romney return to the field of political battle continue to smoke.
Yet, here at Goose Radio – a longtime bulwark of pro-Romney sentiment – we know the truth.
This good man has had his fill of the circus of public life, and there’s no way he’s going to subject himself and his family to another season of lunacy.
He’s done being accused of killing random Missouri residents, and he’s ready to romp around the living room with his bumper crop of grandkids.
So after coming so close to Pennsylvania Avenue in 2012, how will Mitt spend 2016? You’ve come to the right place for such knowledge.
Here are the five things our boy Mitt Romney will do instead of running for President in 2016.
#5 – Go to Costco
Mitt Romney loves Costco. Even during the height of election season, he still made time to visit this massive palace of commerce in bulk. His zeal for Costco led him to speak to Fox News’ own Chris Wallace about the wonders available inside the store.
That love will have a chance to grow even deeper over the next four years.
#4 – Cavort in the Snow with His Family
The man saved the 2002 Winter Olympics from economic disaster. It’s weird how a lifetime of saving things from economic disaster wasn’t a more appealing resume entry to the American voter in the midst of national economic stagnation, but hey. Anyway, he’s spent a lot of time in the snow.
Netflix’s spectacular documentary, Mitt, depicts the business whiz being attacked in the snow and responding by rolling down a drift-covered hill with his assailant.
The evidence all points to Governor Romney continuing to invest time in the snow with his loved ones.
#3 – Look Like a President
Mitt Romney was genetically crafted to be President.
He has been looking like the President for years, and he will continue to look like the President for the next four years. There’s not a darn thing David Axelrod can do about it.
#2 – Iron Clothing While Wearing It
The utterly delightful Netflix documentary previously mentioned also features a goofy moment in which Governor Romney chose to attempt to iron the cuff of his tux while wearing it.
Though the governor appeared to have been slightly singed by the experience, it’s doubtless that his tireless drive toward efficiency will see him undertake this behavior again over the next four years.
#1 – Continue Being Right about Russia
In what has proven one of the most prophetic moments in the history of presidential debates, President Barack Obama chided Mitt Romney in this spectacularly condescending fashion on October 22, 2012.
Romney was highlighting the dangers of comrade Vladimir Putin’s freshly aggressive stance toward the West since he penned his book No Apology in 2010. In said book, he traces the historical trends of a resurgent Russia and points to the real world impact that the relative defense spending and diplomatic behavior in Moscow and western capitals could have in the future.
Unfortunately for the world, Mitt was right. President Obama was wrong. And we as voters were unable to see through the childish put downs to behold the truth bombs being hurled by Mittens.
Though it’s of small consolation to the western world, we can draw some small measure of justice in knowing that – instead of running for President in 2016 – Mitt Romney will be off somewhere, still being right about Russia.
Images via minnesotaconnected.com, The Blaze, gazettenet.com, Rolling Stone, Politico