In the past few days, Republicans have been feeling an extra ounce of chutzpa with a surprise election victory in liberalisms’ heartland of Massachusetts. In the wake of this shocker, the prospects of Obama-care’s success have receded like so much tide when pulled by the moon (that’s how that works, yes?). Anyway, President Obama has decided to respond in the most serious and potent way he knows. And so, tonight, he is giving a speech to congress. Come join me as we learn how things really is (yes, that was on purpose)…
8:06 – “Madam Speaker, the President of the United States.”
Here he comes – striding & glad-handing like the days of yore.
8:07 – Harry Reid lurking behind the President. I imagine he’s treasuring every moment he has in the capitol these days… come November he’s expected to receive the boot from Nevadans. Call it ‘receiving the Daschle’ if you will.
8:10 – *Prez begins his ‘thank you’s*
8:12 – ‘Times are tough.’
8:13 – ‘George Bush handed me a harrowing, ugly & bludgeoned economy.
I have mostly fixed it.’
8:14 – ‘I have done so many things!’
They need change.
They are angry.
Wall Street stinks.’
8:16 – ‘Let me tell you about these letters…’
8:17 – *Reprising FDR*
‘Government should be decent. Let me teach you how to be decent people.’
8:18 – ‘ Boy, those banks are sure ripping everyone off.
8:19 – ‘Man, I hated that bank bailout… we needed it, but I sure hated it…
Did you remember that it was George Bush’s idea???!
Let me tell you – I have invented a new fee for those banks!
8:20 – ‘I have cut taxes. For parents. For children. For college students. For cartoon characters. For cougars!…’
Obama – “I thought I’d get some applause on that one.”
8:22 – ‘We have created / saved / pulled from the clutches of greed 2 million jobs.’
‘The stimulus bill was awesome and everyone loved it.
Economists all say so. It would have been a disaster without it.’
*Break for extended story time*
8:24 – ‘I have saved the economy. Now we need to pass a new jobs bill.’
8:25 – *The Republicans just gave their first faux cheer after Obama explained that businesses drive the economy. He looked as though he was hoping people would be impressed he’d come to that conclusion.*
8:26 – ‘Let us take from the rich and give to the poor.’
Wall Street is King John? He IS Robin Hood!
8:27 – ‘WE NEED FASTER TRAINS! I have decided to build really, fast, trains.’
8:28 – ‘We will pay people for being green (pilgrim).
This will help us save. See?’
8:30 – ‘George Bush destroyed an entire decade!’
8:31 – I am not a part of Washington. Washington is out to get you. I am for the people. I am just the President. I am not part of Washington…
We need to be more like China.
We are better than China.’
8:34 – ‘Let me tell you about some other things I’ve done… I invested in some sort of solar power that will probably cure cancer…
I have invested in newfangled batteries…’
8:35 – *He wants to drill for oil offshore!!! Wow. Where is this coming from?!*
‘My cap and trade bill will do great things!’
*Ohhh no… we’re back to that again?!…*
‘I know no one likes it.
People who disagree with ’overwhelming evidence’ for climate change obviously didn’t go to Harvard like I did.’
*GOP lawmakers start giggling*
*Obama snarls in their general direction*
8:37 – ‘I will double our exports in 5 years!’
Are you going to knit hats and sell them at a swap meet in Brussels?!?
8:39 – ‘I have given children the ability to read.’
*camera shows Secretary of Education… I’ve never seen that guy!*
8:41 – ‘Time to take college loans out of the private sector and give the responsibility to those who really know what they’re doing – the government.’
This is not socialism. This is the government giving you everything you need. There’s a difference. Really.
8:42 – He’s cleaving to his health insurance reform bill!
‘I know no one like my health care bill. Let me tell you a story from a letter I got…’
8:46 – ‘The more I spend, the more the deficit goes down… see?
I went to Harvard.’
8:49 – ‘Remember when Bill Clinton filled the land with wealth, prosperity, and pride?.
Remember when George Bush destroyed everything and made kind, tender grandmothers who bake cookies cry?!’
8:51 – *Prez proposes spending government freeze for next 3 years.*
8:55 – Super awkward moment: Obama tells Dems not to worry, spending freeze won’t take effect until next year…
Republicans burst out laughing…
Obama, clearly miffed… raises his finger like a bespectacled schoolmarm and lectures to them:
“That’s how budgeting works”
This makes Republicans laugh even harder.
8:57 – ‘I don’t work with lobyists.’
*Republicans laugh yet again*
8:58 – Obama lectures Supreme Court, sitting write smack in front of him, for striking down John McCain’s campaign finance reform bill as unconstitutional.
Supreme Court looks ticked and somewhat spooked. Sorta felt like Obama was pulling a Vito Corleone for a moment and the Supremes might want to worry about sleeping with the fishes sometime soon…
8:59 – “I’m not naive”
9:00 – “We can’t wage a perpetual campaign”
9:01 – Everyone else is motivated by politics. I am the embodiment of the will of people.
9:03 – “I’m not interested in litigating the past”
9:05 – *Al Franken sighting – nice work, Minnesota*
9:16 – There’s a catholic priest in the house!
‘I, I, I, I, I, I…’
9:18 – ‘I can do hard things.’
You certainly can sir. Choosing a dog is a difficult, difficult decision…
9:20 ‘We don’t quit, I don’t quit.’
AND SO IT ENDS!
Not only did President Obama not turn to the center as many had prophesied he would do… had to do tonight. Instead, he rooted his feet squarely into his idealogical ground and told us all (Massachusetts especially) that we were wrong and he was right. After a year of so, very, many, words and Blame It On Bush… methinks the veneer is beginning to wear mighty thin.