GooseRadio Play by Play

Teen Spirit Smells Like Mullet Children & Vampires

With our country at a financial and medical crossroads, what better barometer than an award show that features surfboards as prizes? With that in mind, I sat down with chicken, rice and a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper to document the goings-on of America’s future at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards.

Jonas Brothers Concert7:00 PM – TCA Hosts Jonas Brothers “interview” President Barack Obama at a press conference. The producers are using Obama to open a show pointed toward teens. But don’t worry, he’s not a celebrity.

7:01 – The announcer boasts TCA as the “hottest party of the summer.” Well, we knew it wasn’t the GOP.

7:03 – A Youtube sensation named Fred is introduced. I didn’t think you could do the one-name moniker unless you’re a Brazilian soccer star. 7:04 – JoBros open the festivities by performing their latest song – not cool.

The Doctor-in-Chief Makes His Pitch – Obama Speech Play by Play

7:02 Central Daylight Time – The President of the United States strides up to the podium. His tie reminds me of a hearty wild berry pie… framed around someone’s neck. And look at the lighting mechanisms to either side of him! It’s like an angelic corona.

The beginning announcement – The President has pulled our economy back from the brink! From the brink of 8% unemployment to the brink of 10% employment! This man went to Harvard!

Barack Obama Press Conference 7:03 – Aha – he just explained what he meant by improving the economy. We have taken funds from people who have been too successful. How dare those buzzards. 7:04 – His eyes look very moist. I wonder if Joe Biden said something emotionally taxing.

7:06 – “I’ve also pledged that health insurance reform will not add to our deficit.”

*chortling*