Tag Archives: Jesus Christ

Joe Mauer Smiling

5 Things As Important As Mauer Re-Signing with Twins

Twin Cities TV guy Mark Rosen induced a cauldron of glee & happiness across the Upper Midwest this week when he reported that the Minnesota Twins had laid the groundwork for a new 10 year contract with the great Joe Mauer. Then, fast a flash, other media bigwigs collectively said that wasn’t the case. It was an emotional roller coaster for Twins followers, giving us hope – bedecked in a catcher’s mask, sideburns and bearing league batting titles – and then ripping it from our phalanges.

The experts are pretty resolute in saying that Mauer (who remains under Twins control for this coming season, but would be a free agent after) will remain in the land of lakes long term, and that a contract will probably happen very soon. All the same, having the jolly news proffered to us and swiftly grabbed back like this makes us realize (once again) just how much his remaining in a Twins uniform means. It got me pondering. There can’t really be THAT many things in our world which are as important as Joe Mauer remaining in this verdant paradise that is the Upper Midwest. Off the top of my head, I thought of 5

1. The Life of Christ

Clearly the redemptive story of Jesus eclipses the retention of Joe Mauer. What with being born of a virgin, living a sinless life, trekking right over a body of water with his feet, coming back to life after being slain by Romans and crazed clerics, and saving the world - you just don’t top that. Even by leading the league in batting average, slugging percentage, and on base percentage.

2. Your grandmother

They’re the nicest people around. They play games with you and generally humor you when you’re tiny, energetic, and unspeakably annoying to be around in everyone else’s opinion. They oftentimes hoard candy and cookies for you – even when your parents say you’ve had enough. You know she’s awesome. She’s as important as Joe Mauer re-signing with the Twins.  But she’d be so much happier if Joe stayed…

3. Churchill’s Decision Not to Negotiate

When people think of World War II, they think something to the effect of – ‘Boy, that was no fun. But it did blow the beans out of an insane, murderous, mustache sporting dictator and a committee of insane, pre-Toyata military dictators in Tokyo.’ But imagine if the analysis was altered and the dictators had won. Many historians believe that’s precisely what would have happened had British Prime Minister Winston Churchill not refused to consider negotiating with Hitler in May of 1940.

France had just been played like a fiddle by Hitler’s armies, Russia was a German ally, and the United States was officially at peace with the Third Reich. The only power on earth standing between Der Fuhrer and European domination was Great Britain. Despite the bleak state of Britain’s military situation, Churchill tenaciously refused to take the advice of some fruit loops within his own government (and the incompetent founder of the Kennedy dynasty and America’s ambassador to Britain – Joe Kennedy) and approach Germany for surrender terms. Instead he declared, “We will never surrender…. Never. Never. Never…”

Churchill’s decision to stick it out, logic be darned, was and is as important as Joe Mauer re-signing with his hometown team. BUT, my guess is that Churchil would have negotiated… with Joe Mauer…

4. Jack Bauer on 24

The entire world threatens to fall apart at its very seams. The US government is infiltrated by a terrible and dangerous person. Nuclear holocaust threatens to consume this terrestrial ball and all those dwelling upon it. There is only one man – Jack Bauer – who can possible save us all. Unfortunately, he is currently being imprisoned for murder by someone impossibly evil – someone who’s really behind everything and has framed this good man to take the fall. Jack must free himself, rescue someone’s aunt, unlock an encrypted computer program, and battle Chinese assassins. THEN he can start think about saving the world. And did we mention there are only 24, 60 minute episodes until everyone is blown to bits and ruthless terror grips the land?

This whole scenario is currently playing itself out for the 8th time. You can see it Monday night’s on the Fox moving picture network. Jack Bauer’s efforts at world preservation are, in fact, as important as Joe Mauer re-signing with the Twins.

5. Barack Obama’s TelePrompter

If the weight of the free world rests upon one man’s shoulders, those are the shoulders of our President. And our President would not be in the position he is today (insert your choice of approval rating one liner) without his ability to command and hold the attentions of the teeming masses of his countrymen and women via his eloquence. AND, there is equally no doubt, that the Commander in Chief’s wordplay owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to the machine with the scrolling text upon its screen that notify Obama what shall next emanate from his mouth during a speech.

Therefore, with the eyes, ears, and hopes of the Western World riding upon its steel frame and glass screen, President Obama’s TelePrompter is our last item which is – indubitably – just as important as Joe Mauer’s re-signing with the Minnesota Twins.